Plant Obsessive
by Christine M. Greenleaf
Summary: Poison Ivy seduces her psychiatrist to help her escape from Arkham Asylum. Things backfire on her after the escape, however, when her psychiatrist doesn't accept that they're through, and becomes Ivy's stalker.
1. Chapter 1

**Plant Obsessive**

"I love you, Ivy."

"Mmm, I love you too, Michael," breathed Poison Ivy, as she drew away from her psychiatrist, smiling seductively. "But if you wanna have Ivy, what have you gotta do for Ivy?"

"Break her outta here," murmured the doctor.

"That's right, Michael," she whispered. "And once I'm free, we can be together forever and ever."

He seized her hand. "I'm getting you out of here tonight, baby. You won't have to spend another minute in this hellhole. We can leave Arkham, and leave Gotham, and start a new life together someplace far away…"

"Of course we can, Michael," interrupted Ivy. "But what have you gotta do first?"

"Break you outta here," he repeated. "I will, baby, I promise. Be ready to go tonight."

Ivy beamed at him. "I love you, Michael," she whispered. "But I think our time may be up."

Guards entered the interview room at that moment, and escorted Ivy back to the cell block. "Piece of cake," she sighed happily. "A piece of cake made out of artificial flour, of course," she added. "It's about time I got outta this dump."

She entered the Rec Room, looking around at the inmates currently incarcerated in Arkham Asylum. She had to admit, she wouldn't be sorry to see the back of any of them. Particularly the pasty-skinned, clown-faced moron playing a hand of cards with her ex-boyfriend, Two-Face.

"You're looking very smug, Pammie," said the Joker, looking up from the card game as she entered and grinning at her. "What lucky guy have you let water your garden today?"

"Make all the jokes you want, Joker," retorted Ivy, sitting down on the sofa and picking up a magazine. "I'm not letting them get to me today. I'm gonna be free as a bird this time tomorrow."

"Yeah? You planning on busting outta here?" asked Joker, picking up a card. "Seems rude not to invite the rest of us."

"I would say I'm sorry for hurting your feelings," replied Ivy. "But I'm not."

"And might one ask how you're going about making your escape?" said Joker, casually.

"If you must know, I'm having help from a certain Dr. Michael Green," said Ivy, flipping casually through her magazine.

"Gotta be careful how you use the shrinks, Pammie," said Joker. "If you ain't, you may just end up with a permanent ball and chain clamped around your ankle and dragging you down. People never warn you that a little harmless mind manipulation and casual sex can lead to things like a committed relationship. But I hope at least my tragic fate can be a timely warning for you."

"What kinda slut do you think I am?" demanded Ivy. "You think I can't spend five minutes alone with an attractive guy without jumping him?"

"Yes," replied Joker, firmly.

Ivy slapped him hard across the face. "Hey, everyone was thinking it – I just said it!" he snapped.

"I admit I have a bit of a well-deserved reputation for enjoying men," began Ivy.

"You got that right," muttered Two-Face, picking up a card and avoiding her gaze.

"But when I just use men to do things for me, I know when to draw the line," she retorted. "Anyway, you get sick of faking orgasms after a while."

"I think she's talking about you, Harvey," chuckled Joker.

"She didn't fake anything when she was with me," growled Two-Face. "Did you?" he demanded, glaring at her.

Ivy shrugged. "Not as many as I usually do, I have to admit," she replied.

"You think I can't tell the difference?" demanded Two-Face. "You didn't fake a goddamn thing, you lying tramp!"

"It's nothing to be ashamed of, Harvey," retorted Ivy. "No guy is one hundred per cent satisfactory all the time, but they try so hard, and you feel like they deserve a little reward for all their effort, so it's better to fake one than hurt their feelings. Every woman's faked an orgasm at some point."

"I don't think that's true," said Joker calmly, putting down a card.

"J, I guarantee Harley's faked an orgasm," snapped Ivy.

"Well, why don't we just ask her?" said Joker, grinning, as Harley bounced into the room. "Harley!" he called.

"What is it, puddin'?" she asked, skipping over to him and hugging him tightly.

"You know when we have playtime, and we both get to the point where we pop the can o'snakes?" asked Joker. "You ever…just pretended to pop?"

"What J means to ask is, have you ever faked an orgasm?" demanded Ivy.

Harley stared at him. "No, puddin', why would I do that?" she asked.

"Harley, don't be ridiculous," snapped Ivy. "And don't lie just to spare J's feelings. I've told him it's nothing to be ashamed of – every woman does it."

"Well, _I_ ain't ever done it," retorted Harley. "I ain't never needed to. Mr. J's just the best lover in the whole wide world, and he always makes sure his Harley girl is nice and satisfied, doncha, puddin'?" she purred, kissing his cheek.

"That's right, pumpkin pie," he murmured, patting her on the head and smiling smugly at Ivy.

"Harley, c'mere," growled Ivy, seizing her arm and pulling her into a corner. "It's ok – you can tell me the truth," she said. "I promise I won't tell J. But you gotta admit, once or twice, you just…pretended that he'd pushed you over the edge, didn't you?"

"I wouldn't lie to puddin' like that, Red," said Harley, firmly. "And like I said, I ain't never needed to. Mr. J gets me revving hard and makes my engine explode every time. He's such a bad boy," she sighed.

Ivy stared at her. "Harley…the clown can't actually be that good in bed…"

"He is, Red," insisted Harley. "He's incredible, I'm telling ya. He's a genius, and that don't just mean he's great with his mind. He's also great with his hands and with his…"

"Thanks, Harley, I'm sorry I asked," interrupted Ivy. She looked at Harley. "Every time?" she repeated.

"Every time," said Harley, nodding.

"I've just…never heard about that happening to any woman before," said Ivy slowly.

"Guess other women ain't never experienced true love," replied Harley, shrugging. "But that's what Mr. J and I got, and it's like we're just perfectly synched in the bedroom. That's why I get to pop the can o'snakes for both of us because we always finish off together…"

"Harley, please, that's not really an image I wanna have," said Ivy, hastily.

"Well, then, you shouldn't have asked," sniffed Harley.

"I've learned my lesson, believe me," retorted Ivy.

"Why do ya wanna know anyway, Red?" asked Harley. "Is there a new man in your life things are going really well with? I hope so. You deserve to have the same kinda happiness me and Mr. J have."

"No, Harley," sighed Ivy. "I was just saying I've seduced Dr. Green into helping me escape from Arkham tonight, but I'm not going to take our relationship any further after we leave. Playing with guys just gets boring after awhile, y'know?"

"Uh…no," said Harley. "But then I don't have any experience playing with guys…"

"No, I suppose you were just played with by one guy, weren't you?" sighed Ivy. "And you've never got over that particular game. I can only hope Michael isn't the same way, or I may be forced not to let him down easy."

Harley stared at her. "You mean you've seduced your shrink just so he'll help you break outta Arkham? Gotta say, Red, that's pretty low."

"Your boyfriend did the exact same thing!" shouted Ivy.

"He did not!" cried Harley. "Mr. J's always loved me! We fell in love from the moment we first met, but it was an impossible love – he was a homicidal, psychotic maniac with a passion for twisted humor and cruel jokes, and I was his bright, sweet, innocent shrink. But we threw aside convention and propriety and confessed our love for each other, and then I chose to bust him outta here, because I love him! But Mr. J certainly didn't have that in mind all along, did you, puddin'?" she demanded. "You didn't just seduce me to bust you outta here, did ya?"

"Of course not, pumpkin pie," replied Joker, casually.

"You're such a filthy liar," muttered Ivy.

"I'm a fantastic lover, though," retorted Joker, grinning.

"Like I said to Harley, don't give me images like that," growled Ivy.

"All I'm saying, Red, is that it's a cruel thing to do to anyone, using them for superficial reasons and then dumping them the moment they've outlived their usefulness," said Harley.

"You shouldn't be surprised at her cruelty, Harley," growed Two-Face. "There's a reason she's called Poison Ivy."

"Oh, just get over me, Harvey!" snapped Ivy, rounding on him in annoyance. "I'm sorry things didn't work out between us, I really am, but you don't see me going around being all mopey and passive-aggressive about it! I'm moving on with my life – why can't you?!"

"Yeah, you're really moving on, ain't ya?" snapped Two-Face. "Playing with this guy, and then the next, and then the next, until you get bored with 'em and start all over again, in a never-ending series of men! Well, you ain't ever gonna be happy that way, Pammie, and the sooner you realize that, the better!"

"Let me tell you what makes me happy!" shouted Ivy. "Not being tied down to any clingy, needy, pathetic male who wants to chain me up in a committed relationship! My freedom makes me happy, and my independence makes me happy, and I'm not going to sacrifice any of that for some guy!"

"Then don't expect some guy to sacrifice anything for you!" yelled Two-Face, throwing down the cards and standing up. He stormed from the room angrily.

"Looks like I win, then," chuckled Joker, helping himself to Two-Face's poker chips.

"Red, doncha think that was a little uncalled for?" asked Harley, quietly. "Harvey's a nice guy…"

"You know what I'm sick of, Harley?!" interrupted Ivy, furiously. "Guys! Nice or not, they're all alike, and I'm gonna be so happy when I'm free and outta here tonight, and I won't have to set eyes on another guy for a long, long time!"

She stormed away to the opposite end of the cell block. "Guess that was Pammie coming outta the closet, huh?" chuckled Joker.

"Mr. J, don't joke," muttered Harley. "It ain't funny. She seems really unhappy."

"And what's not funny about that?" he asked, grinning.

"Red's my friend, Mr. J," murmured Harley. "I don't like seeing her unhappy."

"Aw, cheer up, my sweet, sensitive little Harley pooh," said Joker, embracing her and kissing her nose. "I know what will make Pammie feel loads better."

"What?" asked Harley.

"If the two of us escape with her and Dr. Green tonight," replied Joker. "Nothing like a little company to put a smile on someone's face, am I right?"

"Yeah, that's true, Mr. J," agreed Harley, nodding. "And what if we brought Harvey along too? I hate to think of him and Red parting on a sour note like that. I'm sure if we all escape together, Red and Harvey can't stay mad at each other. We'll all be leaving Arkham tonight laughing and smiling, you'll see."

"I will, pumpkin pie," agreed Joker, beaming. "I most certainly will."


	2. Chapter 2

"Ivy," whispered a voice. Ivy looked up to see Dr. Green by the bars of her cell. She beamed at him.

"Come to take me away, Prince Charming?" she murmured, heading over to the bars and smiling.

He nodded. "We have to be quiet," he murmured. "The guards will react quickly if they're alerted to an…"

"Escape attempt in progress. All inmates to be pacified on site," blared an automatic voice through the corridors.

"They can't have noticed us…" began Ivy, but Dr. Green wasn't listening. He unlocked the cell and grabbed her arm, then dashed off down the corridor.

They reached the end of the hall and were surprised to see the guards rushing to the other end. "It's not me they're after," murmured Ivy. "Then who…"

She let out a stifled scream as a hand was clapped over her mouth. "Hi, Red! Hope you don't mind if we join in the escape party!" whispered Harley Quinn loudly, appearing next to her suddenly and waving.

"Was it you idiots who set off the alarm?" hissed Ivy as the Joker removed his hand from her mouth.

"Guilty as charged!" chuckled Joker. "Thought it might be more fun if we had a bit of a chase. Tag, you're it!" he shouted suddenly, slamming Ivy's face into the wall and dashing off toward the exit, laughing hysterically. The guards turned at the shout and the laughter and raced toward them.

"You son of a…!" shrieked Ivy after him, cupping her nose.

"You have to tag us, Red, that's how you play the game!" cried Harley, rushing after Joker and giggling.

"I'll give him a tag," muttered Ivy, seizing Dr. Green's arm. "C'mon."

"Ivy, my love, are you all right?" began Dr. Green.

"I said come on!" she snapped, running faster as the guards gained on them.

They whirled around the corner and came face to face with the Joker holding up a gun. "I'm tired of this game, Pammie, let's modify it a bit!" he chuckled. "Freeze tag!"

"Get down!" shrieked Ivy, shoving Dr. Green to the ground just in time. A ray of ice shot from the gun and enveloped the approaching guards.

"C'mon, Pammie, get up!" chuckled Joker, dropping the gun and running off. "You're still it! No tagbacks!"

"When I get my hands on his grinning face…" hissed Ivy, grabbing Dr. Green and rushing after him.

They had reached the parking lot with the sirens still blaring, and more guards descending. "Here's your stupid tag!" shrieked Ivy, punching Joker hard across the face.

"I said no tagbacks..." he began, but Ivy punched him again.

"And here's another one for ruining my escape attempt!"

At that moment, a car suddenly pulled up in front of them. "Need a lift?" growled Two-Face, popping open the door.

"Forgot to mention, Pammie, I let Harvey out early to do a little scavenger hunt," chuckled Joker. "Getaway car, check. Machine gun," he said, giggling as he reached into the backseat. "Check!"

He began firing at the guards as Ivy, Harley, and Dr. Green climbed into the backseat. Joker jumped into the passenger seat at last and Two-Face sped off.

"Snacks for the road?" asked Joker hopefully, looking at Two-Face.

He shoved a box of cupcakes at him. "Check," he retorted.

"Aw, Harvey, you're the greatest!" chuckled Joker. "I dunno why you dumped this guy, Pammie! Give me cake and I'm all yours, Harvey!" he giggled, popping a cupcake into his mouth. "Cupcake, cupcake?" he asked, handing one to Harley, who squeaked happily.

"Are they made with artificial flour?" growled Ivy.

"Of course they are," retorted Two-Face. "Got used to eating them like that when we were…uh…"

"Oooh, awkward!" chuckled Joker, grinning at Dr. Green. "Have you met Pammie's ex, Doc? You should compare notes, see if you can tell when Pammie's faking her org…"

Ivy punched him again. "I don't understand how you could ever let a woman as precious as Ivy go," said Dr. Green, staring at Two-Face in astonishment.

"Actually, she dumped me," growled Two-Face, his hands tightening on the wheel.

"Still, you didn't fight for her or anything?" asked Dr. Green.

Ivy laughed nervously. "Actually, Michael, when I dump a guy, I don't expect him to fight for me. I expect him to just take it like a man, with grace and dignity. Which I gotta admit, Harvey did."

"But…I can't imagine…just giving up on you, Ivy," murmured Dr. Green. "A guy will never meet a woman as perfect as you again. He'd have to be crazy not to protest a little, and try to win you back."

"Well, I'm…a woman of will, Michael, and I don't change my mind, y'see…" said Ivy, slowly.

"Aw, c'mon, Pammie, just give him the punchline!" chuckled Joker. "Tell him he's dumped!"

Ivy punched Joker so hard that everyone in the car heard his nose crack. "Mr. J!" shrieked Harley, trying to cuddle him.

But Joker was laughing through the blood that poured from his nose, grinning at Ivy. "Sorry, Mikey, you're friend-zoned!" he giggled.

Dr. Green just stared at him, and then at Ivy. "I…don't understand," he stammered.

"I didn't want to tell you like this," growled Ivy. "But I think we both just need some time apart, Michael, a little space, y'know…"

"But…you said we'd get away from Gotham," stammered Dr. Green. "That we'd be together forever and ever…I gave up my career for you and…you're just dumping me?"

"That's about the size of it, sport!" laughed Joker. "Makes you wanna laugh, doesn't it?"

"But…but Ivy…" stammered Dr. Green.

"Look, we're not discussing this now!" snapped Ivy. "Harvey, drop us off at my hideout in Central Park! Michael and I are going to talk about this in private!"

"And if you could drop me and Mr. J off at the abandoned funhouse, Harvey, we'd appreciate it," said Harley. "But can ya stop by the drugstore first? I gotta get his nose bandaged," cooed Harley, covering Joker in kisses.

"Yeah, and we should pick up Mikey some painkillers for the heartbreak," chuckled Joker. "Oh wait, sorry! They don't work for that! But don't you worry, Doc, the pain will get better, you'll see," he said, clapping him the shoulder. "Or so I hear. Never been dumped myself…"

"Allow me to give you the experience," growled Ivy, suddenly seizing the wheel from Two-Face and slamming on the brakes. She popped out of the car, ripped open the front door and dragged Joker out by the collar, shoving him into a collection of trash cans in the nearby alley. A moment later, Harley was shoved after him with a shriek. Then the car drove off.

Joker chuckled, straightening up and dusting himself off. "Nice gag, Pammie!" he called after her. "Guess you gotta keep your spirits up somehow in times like these, huh? Well, you keep smiling, toots!"

"What do we do now, Mr. J?" muttered Harley, standing up and rubbing her backside.

"Walk to the hideout, I guess, pooh," replied Joker, shrugging. "Probably good exercise anyway. Who needs a car…"

His face suddenly fell and he raced after the disappearing vehicle.

"Mr. J!" called Harley. "Where you going?"

"They drove off with the cupcakes!" he shouted.

Harley sighed, shrugged, and dashed off after him.


	3. Chapter 3

"It's over, Joker. I have an unbeatable weapon, and it's justice. Justice will always prevail, good will triumph over evil, and blah, blah, blah…"

"Take that, Bats!"

"Argh! Curses, I'm foiled again by your quick-thinking and unmatchable genius!"

"Why, Batsy, you shameful flatterer! What else do you like about me?"

"Your sense of humor. Your jokes. Not to mention your sensitive yet manly good looks."

"Oooh, Batsy! You shouldn't say such things! People will talk!"

"I don't care anymore, Joker. You were right, you were always right. I'm a fool for not seeing it before. Life is all one big joke. I might as well start laughing."

"Oh, Bats! I always knew that someday you'd say those words to me…"

"What are you doing, Mr. J?" asked Harley, entering the room at that moment to see Joker holding two action figures, one of himself and one of Batman, whose faces were dangerously close to touching.

"Nothing," he snapped, shoving them behind his back. "Working."

"Oh. Looks kinda like you're playing with dolls," said Harley, nodding at the other figures strewn about the table.

"I'm planning an ingenious scheme, Harley, and these are visual aids," retorted Joker.

"Can I play with the dolls too?" asked Harley, picking up one of her.

"No," he snapped. "Working, get it?"

"Aw, c'mon, puddin'," she said. "Why doncha use this doll to show me everywhere you wanna touch up your little Harley girl? You can be as explicit as you want, and then you can move onto the real thing," she purred, climbing onto the table in front of him.

"Look, just get lost, would ya?" he snapped, seizing the doll from her.

"Aw, but Mr. J, you wanna play with your Harley doll, doncha?" she breathed, holding out her arms. "Dada."

"That's just creepy, Harley," he retorted.

"Does it turn you on?" she asked.

"A little," he admitted.

She grinned. "Dada," she repeated insistently.

"All right, you little minx," he growled, shoving the figures off the table with a sweep of his arm and climbing up to join her. "I think my Harley doll's been a really bad girl. How would she like a nice, hard spanking?"

"Dada," repeated Harley.

"I'll take that as a 'very much,'" chuckled Joker, pushing her down on the table.

The telephone rang suddenly. "Answer that, Harley," said Joker, climbing off her and returning his attention to his plans, losing interest in her as suddenly as he had gained it.

Harley sighed heavily and went to answer the phone in the other room. "Hello?"

"Hi, Harley, it's me."

"Not a good time, Red," growled Harley. "Dada was just about to spank his Harley doll hard for being a bad girl."

"…I'm…er…sorry for interrupting? I don't think I am, though," retorted Ivy.

"So how's things?" asked Harley. "How did Dr. Green take the break up in the end?"

"Um…not too well," said Ivy, slowly. "He keeps trying to…uh…win me back. He's sent me boxes of chocolates and fake flowers and he's…uh…always hanging around..."

Harley heard Ivy's doorbell ring at that moment. "That'll be him," whispered Ivy. "I'm pretending I'm not home."

"Wow, Red, I've never known you to cower in fear from anyone," said Harley, surprised. "Why doncha just shoot him if he's bothering you?"

"Oh please, Harley, guns are so vulgar," sighed Ivy. "Anyway, he's a nice enough guy. I'd feel bad for killing someone just for trying to be with me. I'd be flattered if his attention wasn't so constant…"

"Ivy!" Harley heard, along with knocking on Ivy's door. "It's me! Open up! I know you're home! I've been watching the house constantly and I haven't seen you leave!"

"Gotta admire his commitment, Red," said Harley, nodding. "But if he's bothering you so much, why doncha just try your special lipstick on him to make him go away?"

"I thought of that, but I'm all out," sighed Ivy. "And the enzyme I get from the plants hasn't had a chance to grow yet. Could take weeks. No, I've gotta just do this the old fashioned way. Which is why I'm hoping I can talk to the clown."

"Why do you wanna talk to Mr. J?" asked Harley, puzzled. "I kinda thought after throwing him and me outta a car that you wouldn't be on speaking terms for a little while."

"Well, I just thought he might have a few ideas since he also has experiences with…unwanted admirers," said Ivy, casually.

"Really?" asked Harley, suddenly furious. "Who are they, Red? I'll punch their lights out!"

"Never mind, Harley," sighed Ivy. "Can I just talk to J?"

"Sure," said Harley, skipping into the study. "Mr. J! Red wants to talk to you."

Joker seized the phone from her. "Where are my cupcakes, you thieving bitch?"

"What cupcakes?" asked Ivy, puzzled. "Oh, you mean the ones Harvey bought? I gave them to Michael to help ease the heartbreak."

"Well, then I hope he plans on buying me some new ones," retorted Joker.

"I would ask him, but if I do things like talk to him, it'll only encourage him," retorted Ivy.

"Ah. Has deep sixing the shrink proved more of a problem than you'd initially hoped?" chuckled Joker. "I did try to warn you."

"Yes, and since you've been so helpful, I was wondering if you had any recommendations about cutting off the ball from the chain, as it were," replied Ivy.

Joker laughed. "If I did, don't ya think I would have used them by now?" he chuckled.

"J, if you actually were that annoyed by Harley's presence, you would find some way to get rid of her," snapped Ivy.

"Well, normally I'd recommend violence, Pammie, but Harley tends to enjoy that," replied Joker. "But for the non-certifiable among us, nothing says 'I hate you' like a fistful of fives right in the eye."

"Not if you and Batman are any indication," retorted Ivy. "I was just hoping there'd be a more civilized solution, but I guess not."

"Nope. Violence is always the answer, Pammie, you should know that," retorted Joker. "You'd have to be crazy to think otherwise."

"Ok, well, thanks for nothing, J," sighed Ivy. "I'll see you around."

"No problemo, Pammie," chuckled Joker. "Good luck with your pest control problem. I'll be dealing with the flying rodent infestation we all know and love tonight."

"Really? Missing Arkham already, huh, J? Well, say hi to the old place for me when the Bat takes you in later."

"You'll be begging to go back there if Mikey keeps at it, if only for some personal space," retorted Joker. "Trust me, that old cell seems nice and spacious if it keeps you away from certain strangling weeds. No offense."

"Well, I'm just gonna deal with him right now," retorted Ivy. "I would say see you later, but I really hope I…"

Suddenly, there was the sound of a shriek, and the phone went dead. "Pammie?" said Joker. "Pammie?! Don't you dare hang up on me, you useless weed!"

He threw down the phone. "How rude. Well, fine, if that's the way you're gonna be, I don't care," he muttered, picking up the figures again.

"You done talking to Red, Mr. J?" asked Harley, re-entering the room at that moment and picking up the phone.

"Yeah. The worthless woman hung up on me, Harley. Me!"

"Well, it ain't the worst thing she's done to you, Mr. J," said Harley, shrugging.

"No, but it is incredibly rude," retorted Joker. "There's no excuse for that kinda behavior. Murder, mayhem, and mutiliation all perfectly acceptable, but rudeness? It's just not right, Harley."

"No, it ain't, Mr. J," agreed Harley, nodding. "I'll mention it to her next time I see her."

"Make it tonight if you want, pooh," replied Joker. "I'm out with the Bat. You can see if she's been successful in dumping her stalker in the compost heap."

"You mean she's gonna kill Mikey?" asked Harley. "That's a shame."

"Well, some people just don't take no for an answer, Harl," replied Joker.

"Poor, deluded nutjobs," sighed Harley, shaking her head sadly and leaving the room.


	4. Chapter 4

Harley skipped up the front steps to Ivy's home and knocked on the door. "Red!" she called. "It's me! Mr. J's out with the Bat, so I thought we could have a girly night in! I brought microwave popcorn!"

She waited expectantly, but the door didn't open. Harley frowned and knocked again. "Red? Why ain't you answering? Are you angry at Mr. J? Because you hung up on him and everything, and I dunno what he said, but that was pretty rude, y'know. Still, I don't see why you gotta ignore me!"

There was still no answer. "Red? You ain't angry at _me_, are ya?" said Harley, surprised. "I dunno what I could have…oh, wait, do ya not like me bringing popcorn? Cause it's dead plants, right? Well, I didn't kill 'em, Red, so there's no need to give me the silent treatment. I mean, at least they taste good…"

It was then that Harley saw the broken glass by the side of the building. She followed the trail to see that the window had been forced. Harley climbed through it, looking around the dark house. "Red?" she called. "You ain't in here, are ya?"

Harley suddenly noticed broken bits of furniture and other signs of a struggle. Panic seized her, and she pulled out her phone, hastily dialling a number.

"…yeah, ok, just a sec…time out, Bats, ok? Time out. Ok. I'll be with you in a minute. Hello?"

"Mr. J? It's me," said Harley.

"Kinda in the middle of something here, Harl," growled Joker. "This had better be good."

"It ain't good, Mr. J, it's terrifying!" cried Harley. "Red's missing! I think she's been kidnapped!"

Joker laughed hysterically. "It ain't funny, Mr. J!" snapped Harley. "We have to go find her!"

"Look, I'm kinda busy now, pooh," said Joker. "And if you think I'm gonna postpone my fight with Batsy to save Pammie from the mess she's gotten herself into, you got another think coming. I'm sure you can stalk Pammie's stalker all by yourself. You just have to think like a stalker, which I know you're perfectly capable of."

"Aw, c'mon, Mr. J, you gotta help me!" cried Harley. "Imagine how you would feel if you were trapped with someone who's clingy, obsessive, and just won't take no for an answer!"

"I have no idea what that would be like," replied Joker, lightly. Then he shouted in pain. "Ow! Hey, I said time out, Bats, you deaf?! I'm trying to talk on the…ow! Honestly, you and the Weed are both so rude! No phone etiquette, I tell you…ow!"

The phone suddenly went dead. Harley sighed. "Well, no help there," she muttered to herself. "But I ain't no good at this detective stuff – I ain't Batsy. And I can't talk to Batsy because he just broke Mr. J's phone. But who else cares enough about me or Red to…"

She trailed off, and then dialled another number. "Hello?" growled the voice on the other end.

"Harvey? It's me, Harley. How do you feel about Red? You still love her, right? Or at least like her a little, huh?"

"What?" demanded Two-Face. "What kinda random question is…"

"She's been kidnapped, Harvey, by that doctor guy we escaped with, and I gotta find her before she gets hurt! You gotta help me! Please? Please, please, please? Pretty please with sugar on top? Please…"

"Harley, shut up!" interrupted Two-Face. "Lemme think."

Harley listened with bated breath to the silence at the other end of the phone. "All right, I've flipped for it," growled Two-Face at last. "Where are you?"

"Red's place."

"I'll be over there in five minutes," he retorted, and hung up the phone.

Harley sat down on the sofa, and then stood up suddenly. "Wait, this is a crime scene!" she exclaimed. "I ain't supposed to touch anything!"

She stepped backward onto a pane of broken glass, breaking it into smaller pieces. She shrieked. "Aw, no!" she cried. "If I keep breaking crap, we ain't ever gonna find Red!"

She bent down and hastily tried to put the pieces of glass back together, and shrieked again as she cut herself on one shard, and a splinter slid into her finger. She screamed in pain, racing out of the room and knocking over a few flower pots as she ran through the hall and into the bathroom. "Tweezers, tweezers, tweezers," she hissed, throwing open the cabinet over the mirror. She tossed bottles she didn't want over her shoulder, shattering them, and splattering blood from her cut finger everywhere. "C'mon, she's gotta have tweezers!"

She slammed the cabinet shut and ran into Ivy's bedroom, tripping over another plant on her way in. She rubbed her sore ankle as she found Ivy's makeup table and began rifling through it. "I know she tweezers her eyebrows, so where…"

She cried triumphantly as she pulled out a pair of tweezers and then hissed in pain as she began to pull the splinter out of her finger. She succeeded at last and gasped in relief, then looked around for some bandages for her cut finger, smearing blood everywhere as she did so.

The doorbell rang just as she finished bandaging her hand, and Harley limped to the door. "Hi, Harvey, c'mon in," she said, smiling gratefully at him.

"Boy, you weren't kidding, Harley," muttered Two-Face, looking around. "Looks like there was a pretty violent struggle. This place is a mess."

"No…uh…that was mostly me," said Harley, sheepishly. "The blood's all mine anyway, and…uh…I think she was in the living room when it happened, and that's mostly untouched…I broke a pane of glass, but that's it…"

Two-Face bent down, following the trail of glass to the window. "Does this continue outside?" he asked.

Harley nodded, showing him the way she had come in. Two-Face followed the trail of broken glass and crushed plants, and stopped when he saw tire tracks.

"Took her away in his car," he muttered, straightening up. He pulled out his coin and flipped it thoughtfully. "Harley, imagine for a second you were crazy."

"Can do!" said Harley, cheerfully.

"Crazy like this stalker guy, I mean," continued Two-Face. "Though maybe that ain't so much of a stretch. If you were that obsessed with someone, and you finally had them in your power, where would you take 'em, if you could take 'em anywhere in this city?"

Harley shrugged. "That's easy. Home. It's the only place you know would be safe. If you were out in public, and people saw 'em struggling with you, they might try to interfere. If you're alone in your own space, you know it's just the two of you, and you can do whatever you want with puddin'…I mean Red."

Two-Face nodded. "Yeah, makes sense to me. So we need to find out where this Doc Green guy lives."

"How are we gonna do that, Harvey?" asked Harley. "Go back to Arkham and threaten his colleagues at gunpoint? Leave a cryptic advertisement that he's bound to respond to in the newspaper? Set up some sort of email scam that asks for name and address and send it to him?"

"We're gonna look in the phonebook," interrupted Two-Face, striding off.

Harley shrugged and followed him. "Well yeah, if you wanna take the easy route…"


	5. Chapter 5

"You think he…dragged Red…up all…these stairs?" gasped Harley, as she followed Two-Face up what seemed like a never-ending stairwell in the apartment building.

"I think he probably took the elevator," muttered Two-Face. "But that might warn him we're coming."

"Yeah, well…so will me…gasping for breath," retorted Harley.

"Does the clown ever tell you you talk too much?" demanded Two-Face, rounding on her. "You've done nothing but jabber at me since we left Pammie's! Just put a sock in it, will ya?"

"Hey, nobody but Mr. J tells me to put a sock in it!" snapped Harley.

"Don't make me call him to pass on the message!" retorted Two-Face.

"You can't, stupid," retorted Harley, sticking out her tongue. "The Bat broke his phone!"

"Look, if Doc Green gets alerted to our presence, he might hurt Pammie," said Two-Face. "So if you don't want it to happen, just shut your trap, all right?"

Harley glared at him but obeyed as Two-Face opened the steel door at the top of the stairs and entered the hall. They crept down this until they came to a door at the end, and Two-Face nodded. Then he pulled out his gun, fired two shots into the lock, and kicked open the door.

"Oh, Harvey. Hi. What are you doing here?" asked Poison Ivy, looking up from the television in surprise.

"Pammie…ain't you…didn't he…" began Two-Face.

"Aw, Red, you're safe!" cried Harley, rushing into the room and throwing her arms around her neck. "Thank goodness! We were so worried!"

"Oh…you guys have been at my place," said Ivy, slowly, piecing it all together. "You saw I'd been kidnapped..."

"Yeah…strangest kidnapping I ever saw, though, Red," said Harley, looking around in confusion. "Why ain't you tied up or nothing?"

"Because nobody kidnaps me, Harley," retorted Ivy. "I mean, they can try, but I can take care of myself."

She sipped her drink calmly, returning her attention to the TV. "Where's Dr. Green?" asked Two-Face.

"All tied up at the moment," replied Ivy. "Y'see, Michael didn't think about the fact that his building had a roof garden when he decided to kidnap me and dragged me all the way here. But it was simple enough to ask my babies in the garden to subdue him for me. He's there now, comfortably secured in the wisteria. I'm gonna dump him off the roof just as soon as my gardening program is done," she said, turning up the volume.

"Oh. Gee, Red, we…uh…came to rescue you," said Harley, slowly. "We were worried…"

"That's sweet, Harley, but slightly demeaning," replied Ivy. "Just because I'm a woman doesn't mean I can't look after myself. I don't need any knights in shining armor to come save me, thank you very much."

"All right, I've had it, you ungrateful bitch!" shouted Two-Face, throwing down his gun. "If you ain't gonna give me so much as a thank you for coming all this way to help you, then you're cruel, and selfish, and you deserve to be alone!"

He stormed out of the room, with Ivy staring after him in shock. "What's his problem?" she asked.

"I can kinda see where he's coming from, Red," said Harley, shrugging. "We went through a lotta effort to save you, and even if you didn't need it, it's the thought that counts."

Ivy was silent. "Yeah…thanks, Harley," she murmured at last. "And I'll…thank Harvey too, when I next see him."

She turned off the TV and stood up. "Well, you wanna watch me throw a guy off a roof?"

"Do I?!" exclaimed Harley in excitement, as she rushed after her.

"I'm sorry it had to come to this, Michael," murmured Ivy as she entered the roof garden and beckoned the plant holding Dr. Green to her. "But you did bring it on yourself. And now I have to hammer home the fact that you're dumped by dumping you several hundred feet off a thirty-storey building. That'll make you get over me if nothing else will, huh, sweetie?" she purred.

She strode onto the garden balcony with the plant trailing after her. She held up her hand, but suddenly heard a shout. "Don't do it, Ivy!"

And a second later, she was knocked to the ground by a black shape, which dropped another purple shape it had been carrying onto the balcony as it struggled to handcuff Ivy.

"Mr. J!" shrieked Harley happily, rushing over to hug him. "I knew you'd come rescue Red, I just knew it!"

"Didn't have a choice, Harley girl. When Batsy heard why you called, he dragged me here against my will," retorted Joker, fighting against his own handcuffs. "He's got this ridiculous obsession with saving people – unhealthy, if you ask me."

Ivy wriggled out of one of her handcuffs and waved her hand, and the plant holding Dr. Green released him, dropping him off the side of the building. He screamed as Batman leapt after him, grappling to the balcony and catching him just in time.

Joker sighed. "If only he would catch me falling off a tall building one day. I mean…curse that Batman!" he corrected, as he noticed the looks he was getting from Harley and Ivy.

Ivy struggled to her feet and raced off just as Batman reappeared with Dr. Green. Batman was about to run after her when Harley began attacking Dr. Green, punching and kicking him furiously, so that he had to let Ivy get away in order to restrain Harley.

"What's your problem, huh, ya jerk?!" demanded Harley, fighting to get back to him. "Can't ya just respect people's decisions, and their personal space?! Clingy ain't an attractive quality, y'know! No means no, ya get that?! Honestly, nobody deserves to be stuck with a delusional nutcase their whole life! Just wake up and face reality: she don't love you, she don't want you, she just used you to escape from Arkham! The fact that you can't accept that and move on with your life is just pathetic!"

She kicked him once more before Batman managed to handcuff her and threw her down next to Joker, who was just staring at her in disbelief. "What?" she asked, looking at him.

"Nothing," he sighed. "I'm just really looking forward to my little old cell in Arkham, that's all."


	6. Chapter 6

"Red, you're back!" exclaimed Harley, rushing to hug Poison Ivy as she entered the Rec Room at Arkham Asylum several weeks later.

"Well, at least someone's happy about it," sighed Ivy, hugging Harley back.

"My sentiments exactly, Pammie," replied Joker, grinning.

"Could be worse, Joker," she replied. "Dr. Green's been sent to an asylum in Metropolis, so at least I'm free of my stalker. Shame I can't say the same for you."

"Mr. J ain't got no stalker," snapped Harley, furiously. "Do ya, Mr. J?"

"She's talking about you, you dumb blonde!" he snapped.

"Me?" repeated Harley, surprised. "But I ain't a stalker, Mr. J – I'm your true love."

"I'm sure Michael thought the exact same thing," retorted Ivy.

Harley looked slightly hurt, and then shrugged. "Oh well," she said, throwing her arms around Joker's neck and cuddling him. "If I am a stalker, I'm a damn good one. In fact, I'm the most successful stalker in the world, because I have my puddin' forever and always, don't I, Mr. J?"

"You could always try dropping her off a building, J," said Ivy, dryly.

"Tried that when she tried to kill Batman," sighed Joker. "Didn't work. Nope, I'm stuck with the little brat, I'm afraid," he said, patting her head. "Could be worse, I guess. I could be stuck with some creepy dame who's so obsessed with plants that she has to fake orgasms with men because she ain't having sex with weeds."

Ivy smiled at him, and then suddenly seized his face in her hands and kissed him. "Oooh, cherry flavored!" chuckled Joker when she drew away, but she put a finger to his lips.

"J, as long as we're both in here, I don't want you to say another word to me. Ok?"

Joker opened his mouth to respond, but no words came out. "Just nod," replied Ivy, smirking at him. "You have to do what I say, y'see," she said, holding up her lipstick. "Gotta say, it's great to have this back. So handy for getting rid of male inconveniences. I'm never running out again," she sighed, taking a seat on the sofa and picking up her magazine.

"Red, you can't…kiss Mr. J," stammered Harley, staring from her to him in astonishment.

"I just did, Harley, but I won't be repeating the experience," replied Ivy. "Trust me, you're the only woman in the world who wants that."

Harley gazed at Joker, and then beamed. "Yeah," she sighed, cuddling him. "I'm a lucky gal."

Two-Face entered the room at that moment, saw Ivy, and immediately left again. "Harvey, wait!" called Ivy, standing up and rushing out of the room after him.

"What?" he muttered, turning to glare at her.

"I wanted to…apologize for the way I spoke to you," she murmured. "And to thank you…it was really sweet of you to rescue me. You didn't have to."

He looked at her, nodded, and then stormed off again. "Only…I guess I shouldn't be that surprised," continued Ivy. "I mean, you'll do whatever the coin tells you, so if you flipped it when Harley asked you to rescue me and it landed on the good side…"

"I didn't flip it," he interrupted suddenly.

She stared at him. "What?"

"I didn't flip it," he repeated. "I didn't need to. Didn't need any coin to tell me that rescuing you was the right thing to do. I just knew it. In my…in my…gut."

Ivy just gazed at him. "You didn't flip the coin?" she murmured.

He shook his head. "Well, don't act so surprised," he growled. "I didn't always have this coin, y'know. I ain't a total slave to it."

"No, just mostly," agreed Ivy, grinning.

He looked at her and then turned to leave again. "Harvey, wait," she said. "Can I…borrow your handkerchief?"

Two-Face looked puzzled, but nodded, handing it to her. She wiped her lips with it, placed it back in his pocket, and then kissed him tenderly. "Thank you," she whispered.

"You're welcome," he breathed.

They kissed again, gently, and then she pulled away. "Well…see you around, Harvey," she murmured, smiling at him.

"Yeah…see ya, Pammie," he whispered.

She turned to leave. "Pammie!" he called.

She turned back. "When we…uh…bust outta here again, I was wondering if maybe you wanted to…uh…have dinner sometime?" he asked.

She smiled. "It's a date, Harvey," she murmured.

**The End**


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